DISQUS

susanawalsh · 6 months ago

Awesome article Cocoa Diva! I couldn't agree more, which is why I write the blog www.HookingUpSmart.com. And there's NO doubt that hookups are a better deal for men, because they're much better at having sex without catching feelings.

uncontainable_spirit · 2 months ago

Wow! I always knew that some women thought very little of men as a whole. Thank you. Greatly appreciated. :-D

swiv · 6 months ago

35%

that's low, IMO.

i see nothing wrong with random sex, LOL.

it only ruins stuff for the future if you really believe you lose a part of yourself when you sleep with someone.

Brandon St. Randy · 6 months ago

Hasn't it occurred to you that the reason people are only having hookup relationships with certain people is because they're not relationship material for whatever reason? I doubt people are taking the milk instead of buying the cow because it's cheaper, I think they wouldn't have bought the cow anyway.

mystiphi · 6 months ago

Brandon,
I do not think that there is a such thing as "relationship material". I think we are just good and bad fits for certain people. I also think that a lot of people have not learned how to be in a relationship, due to bad role models or having no role models at all.
We are truly a lost people.

Brandon St. Randy · 6 months ago

By realtionship material, it was implicit that I meant "for that person." I think we're saying the same thing using different terms.

mystiphi · 6 months ago

If the two people involved have talked out and agreed that it's no strings attached, I think it is okay.
Are hook-ups killing relationships? Yes. I think it starts with your ideals of dating and of men and women. If you live in a micro-culture (home, church, college) where it is prevalent, then you are going to believe its okay and that there is nothing wrong with your moral compass.
Women are coming along to view jump-offs as the thing (a step-down from part-time lady to someones full-time man), but guys still the jump-off is cool because that what we learn as men to an extent. if your parents, friends,etc taught you different and you practice dating, good.
For the most part, everything we look at (a few men in the church, old men, frats, etc) tell us to "just hit that", to compete for this invisible trophy. Look at what we call it: knocking boots, smashing, beat the cookie.
I was in this mode (frat influence) until i was engaged, and then back into it since then off and on. I ready to stop killing relationships(have a person in mind now), but change does not come overnight.
What do I do?
signed, a brother ready to act his age

CocoaDiva · 6 months ago

"Women are coming along to view jump-offs as the thing (a step-down from part-time lady to someones full-time man), but guys still the jump-off is cool because that what we learn as men to an extent. if your parents, friends,etc taught you different and you practice dating, good."

Jumpoffs are the death of everything. My personal opinioin is this ...if you are a jumpoff there is no step up for you. Your promotion is never coming. You are in a dead end job for manual labor only. Women need to realize this and stop settling for being on tap va jay jay. If you want that....ride out. But, I know most of us don't so your settling is only going to lead to your emotional downfall when he stops screwing you and tells you he is in a relationship....

mystiphi · 6 months ago

I think the other side of that is can a guy who has just moved from having a series of Jump-offs make it in a relationship. I think he is in emotional downfall about being alone and is always seeking the jump-off. I think he can reform (i really do), but it will take time, committment and hardwork, all the things that go into a relationship that some of us fail to realize.
Brothers will reform their ways, but the sisters may have to lead that revolution.
Make us work for it. (I know a lot of sisters do make the brothers work, but its the others that make us lazy).

uncontainable_spirit · 2 months ago

Welcome to the world of feminism and "equality"... back in the 20's, 30's, 40'sm 50's etc... women understood that they had the control and exercised that control. Men were the head but women were the neck and the neck turns the head. Some women in that day were still having sex casually but it was extremely rare and not sanctioned by society. Women of that day understand that they were different from men and behaved as such. Those women also understood that sex was not to be given away without commitment. What did you get as a result? Solid marriages, children being raised by both parents and a social sanction against OOW births and single parenthood.

Fast-forward to the world of feminism and equality and what have we? Single moms, no fathers in the lives of their children, increased prison presence, and the blame laid on the men for allowing women to have what they 'said' that they wanted. LOL!

Simply put... 'Brothers' don't have to reform anything because 'Brothers' didn't start this.

Brandon St. Randy · 6 months ago

Angyr CocoaDiva! CocoaDiva Want Commitment! Actually, I agree with you, jumpoffhood is not a step toward a relationship, but I think your assumption is that women think they are going to get saved by being a good jumpoff. Pretty much all women know in their hearts that's not the case. Some might try to fool themselves into thinking it is, but whose fault is that? Why do you assume women are so easily bamboozled and naive?

uncontainable_spirit · 2 months ago

Dude... If you're ready to commit then commit. If not then don't. That simple. Be honest with yourself and the other party and forget about everyone else. Trust me on this.

ALSO... please don't EVER listen to what women tell you about what men should and should not be doing. Your focus as a man should be on modeling after men who are doing what you want to do and who have what you want to have. No woman anywhere at any time can teach a man to be a man or to behave as a man should behave because they are not men. The inverse is true as well, however I rarely see men trying to tell females how to become women.

mystiphi · 2 months ago

Actually, I disagree. While we model ourselves after other men (be they good or horrible), women have to communicate what their expectations are of their partner and we the same. While men (fathers, uncles, mentors, big bros) can teach us why GQ is important for a man, it is the women (mother, grandmother, big sis, best female friend) that can give insight on why a women finds those same things as important and why they seek them in their man. With two perspectives, a man or woman can make the best judgement of what they want and decide.
As far as committment goes, it has to be a good fit. " when the student is ready to learn, the teacher will appear" is the old saying. I see people decide to commit, but their person was three people and some exes later. Take your time, explore, and be patient. When they show up, you'll know it.

uncontainable_spirit · 2 months ago

We're not saying anything different. Or at least it seems that way. I'm saying that you should model yourself after men. You're saying that you should model yourself after men. My stance is that men should not listen to what women tell them about what men should and should not be doing. You have not contradicted that.

I never disregarded the positive effects of the 'insight' of women. My position wasn't regarding insight. I personally believe that a man is approx 70% masculine and 30% feminine and conversely a woman is 70% feminine and 30% masculine. So to be a complete man... you have to have that 30% of 'insight' from the woman's perspective. A man that doesn't have that at all fails as a man. 70% is not a passing grade.

My overarching point is that only men can teach boys to be men. There is no way that women can teach boys to be men because women aren't men. Are the insights of women valuable? Yes. Are women to be treated with love, respect, and admiration? Yes. Should women tell men what they should and shouldn't be doing in order to be men? How can they? The same is true with women... men should have no say whatsoever in the abortion debate because it's a woman's body. We cannot even begin to understand. We can provide insight on what we want in a woman and what we like or dislike... but that's about it. Furthermore... I dare you to try to do anything other than give your opinion. Women will not accept men telling them how to be women. It's time for men to do the same.

Dbaaby · 6 months ago

i feel its on you if you feel that your going to benefit from doing this random act than okay...but some people do act without thinking...but like i siad its a choice a person has to make and if you feel matre enuff to make it that thats on you...

U_Unadulterated · 6 months ago

Cocoa Diva, I am in your Amen corner! Casual sex has ruined the development of real quality relationships. With each random hook-up a person engages in that "jumpoff" takes a withdrawal from their love bank, regardless if they are male or female. There are a lot of broke people out here pretending to be "ballin" when it comes to love and sex. I am of the belief that the emotional component to sex can't be isolated from the act in itself. People lie to themselves in order to accept this kind of behavior as ok. They use the "man shortage" excuse or the infamous "hey I got needs too" line to justify being purely sexual and unattached to their partner of the moment.

You inspired me to expand this topic on my blog soon, check me out at
http://u-unadulterated.blogspot.com/

myaka0801 · 5 months ago

I agree am dealing with this right now with someone I have known for 10 years..I want very much to walk away due to the fact there are other women along with one being in the same sorority I know of her but she has no idea about me...I have given him notice that we can end what we are doing at anytime but his answer is always not yet...the sex why I am around but trying to stay nonemotional is getting very hard..I really don't think I can continue like this but how do I walk away....

CocoaDiva · 5 months ago

Girl, what is it that is keeping you around for 10 years! Are you waiting for the day when he wakes up and realizes its you? 10 years is a long time, I know it hurts like hell when someone can't see what a great person you are and are willing to risk losing you. However, if he wanted it he would grab it. If you keep sexing him and hanging around he knows he has you. You also have allowed him to walk all over you...so he has a learned behaviour pattern.

I hate to say it but let it go! You may be blocking your blessing. And you already have seen that your casual relationship isn't going the way you want. Be strong girl.

swiv · 4 months ago

good grief. men will never do this.

uncontainable_spirit · 2 months ago

Hilarious and incredible. This can be laid squarely at the feet of feminism. LOL! Welcome to equality, you asked for it... it's here... deal with it.

minusthebars · 1 month ago

I think casual sex has both revived and killed relationships. If you've experienced casual sex, then, some people, seek a steady relationship even more.