the ratio of men to women is too jacked up for tight dudes to ever go out of style.
Chiquita
· 5 months ago
Being tight and thinking you are tight are two completely different things.
Lol girl, you are so right....we were in out at the club this weekend and the old man section is pitiful. Yes, men. We do laugh at you and yes you are out of style. High five CD.
swiv
· 5 months ago
touche. but with so many women's standards being lowered because either they're lame or there's a lack of men, some women will still think that the man who thinks he's tight actually is tight. and tight is relative. you might or might not be impressed with what i am or am not impressed with. i do think that once a man hits a certain age, he should hang it up because there are bigger things in life.
Renee
· 5 months ago
LMAO!! Cocoa was this inspired by the your boy, the White party and our old man conversation? If so, comedy and so on point.
"You won't stay that cool dude forever, and yes she will stick you for your paper." ahahaha! But seriously men, why pass up quality candidates? Life is rough alone, and there aren't many people we gel with naturally. Why would you pass up someone you vibe with???? That doesn't happen often and it happens less and less as we age. Help a sista understand.
ltalley
· 5 months ago
i agree. great!
Talented Black Man
· 5 months ago
Women, I hate to tell ya but ya'll are WRONG! A real QUALITY dude is always gonna have options! A real QUALITY dude is always gonna be in style, on the move, and a hot commodity. And ya'll women are ALWAYS lookin for that good catch. Now you may think the dude that passed up on you is old news by now but trust and believe that your homegirl IS interested. Luckily I already found Ms. Right but I KNOW if I was still in the game I could easily holler at her friend and yours too!
CocoaDiva
· 5 months ago
Yes, but quality does get old sir. You are talking about quantity. There are plenty of cougars, gold diggers, and no good women wandering about. Just because she is of the female persuasion doesn't make her quality. It makes her a woman and hollerable but not someone you would marry or who actually meshes well with you and your personality. We all know that a good candidate is hard to come by. Unless you look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame I would think you can get a date. The point is don't think there will always be a quality fall back.
Talented Black Man
· 5 months ago
But the whole premise here is just OFF to me. Quality dude meets quality girl. Quality dude chooses not to make quality girl his boo cause quality dude isn't "ready". Is that quality dude's fault...did he do something wrong ... is he a horrible person?!? It seems that from the tone of this blog that your impression is that quality dude IS somehow at fault. That simply isn't the case. Say quality dude wants to see other young ladies ... and at the same time you are suggesting that quality dude recognize the quality of quality girl and settle down. Great ... just in time for quality dude to cheat on quality girl. You see the point...for whatever reason quality dude chooses to wait ... that's his decision...and he shouldn't rush that decision. As Mr. St. Randy so eloquently stated "...we are when we are and not a moment too soon." And when Quality dude does decide to turn in the player card, there will be more than enough of you Quality women out there still looking for a Quality man. Just ask all of your older quality friends out there STILL lookin!
CocoaDiva
· 5 months ago
Little hostile there TBM...slow your roll. Ummmm, the premise of the blog is a QBM wanted to know why he couldn't find a woman with whom to settle down and was lamenting about the lack of good women. This isn't the first conversation I have been involved in of its kind. Men are so quick to assume they played no hand in their situations. No one implied that he was required to do anything. The problem I see with TMBS is that men have one track minds. Is it not possible to pursue one's achievements at the same time as a love interest? I think so. The problem is men always think women are running relationship patterns and plays in our minds. Most (I won't claim all) women just want to build with a man.
I have said this many times as well. African Americans seem to be one of the few races that feel the need to climb the monetary or societal ladder alone. Many other cultures are content to build together. From my conversations with many men and my good dude information bank many of you feel you must build first and then settle down. What is wrong with doing both at once? Rome wasn't built in a day and I am sure it wasn't built by Ceasar, Anthony, and Octavius alone. The women were right there playing their parts.
No one has infinite possibilites. Sounds pretty arrogant to me.
Talented Black Man
· 5 months ago
You seem like a quality young lady CocoaDiva! If I wasn't already taken I would DEFINITELY holler at you! :) If for some reason things don't work out with the current gf, I guess I'll have to track you down ... if you aren't already taken.
CocoaDiva
· 5 months ago
Well thank you for the compliment. Don't go messing things up with your GF, I am sure if you are the quality you say you are, she is quality too. Currently single as the day is long. Folks are sleeping on my awesome and letting me roam free. Someday my prince will come :-)
Brandon St. Randy
· 5 months ago
I call wishful thinking. As far as men's being ready to settle down, we are when we are, and not a moment too soon. And when we are, it's pretty clear, old and fat as we may have become, we still have a pretty good array of options. As for women realizing when their star was at its peak, that period was called college and the period three years after for most of you. And if you didn't lock down somebody then, your chances go down. James may have been bitching and whining, but I'm pretty sure that was just a temporary pity party he threw for himself. He'll be alright come Saturday
CocoaDiva
· 4 months ago
Why would a woman's peak be in college or three years after. Black doesn't crack. So you are saying a woman is yesterday's news or garbage by the time she is 25. GTFOH! That's some bs
So why is it that the TBM feels he can return and come hollerin at the "one that got away" when he is ready or his Rubix cube is solved? Was she supposed to wait until then and then jump on b.c. according to your above standard she got old and dusty and had no options.....
Pretty messed up.
Brandon St. Randy
· 4 months ago
Cry me a river, cocoa. Yes, that age is when women have the most options. Tell me what is untrue or offensive about that comment. I'll wait. I didn't say she was garbage post 25, that's you trying to put words in my mouth because you're emotionally invested. After that, however, men in her age group will get married, have kids, or do other shit that throws them out of the dating pool. That's just life. As far as the one that got away, she'll have options too if she's a quality woman. Those options are just fewer than they were for her in college. Tell me I'm wrong.
talentedblackwoman
· 4 months ago
Um St. Randy, I agree that a man should get married when he is ready and not a moment sooner; however, your comments about women expiring and their 'chances going down' are insensitive, misguided, and frankly show a lack of quaility and crippling narcissism that affects so many men in our community. Hopefully you were just being "cute". If not, get help! No offense....
Brandon St. Randy
· 4 months ago
I never said "expiring." I made a realistic assessment of what happens. If you don't like it, I'm sorry, but show me statistically where I'm wrong. I'm not arguing that women give up hope at all because they didn't marry at that age. That's just when they're at their peak. Just like we're at our peak in our late 20's/early 30's. As far as lack of quality, narcissism, etc, I'm just telling a truth, and you're throwing stones. I'll live.
Sandy_D
· 4 months ago
I agree that a lot of men are stricken with “talented black man” syndrome. Sure men ten to have longer expiration dates than women, nonetheless competition is fierce for women who are prime candidates for wife status because damn near every man looking to settle down is chasing after those few women.
My fiance is almost 30, he knew he had to scoop me up with the quickness because if he didnt someone else was going to real soon. I’m 23, college-educated, feminine, marriage/family-oriented and take care of myself, I know my worth lol I’m not impressed by the average “talented” black man, I have one hunting me down at every corner. Wanna get me, you are gonna have to put in some serious work! Your friend James needs to be proactive & get on his serious wife-hunt, the good women are going fast. We can always find another black man thats younger than he is, has more education, money and a better body (not saying his isnt, but it’s the principle lol)
It’s funny, ever since I got engaged, I’ve received so many sad, self-loathing phone calls from exes & previous potentials begging me to give them another shot. **sigh** desperation on a man is never a good look…..
I'm not sure if my first comment went throught, i apologize if i posted twice lol
richbrand
· 4 months ago
Congrats on your engagement. Assuming the brotha is black, I am always a proponent of black love. However, I just dated a woman like you who had your exact credentials that you mentioned above, and she was gorgeous. Why did I walk and not go all in? Because the key to having the right person in your life to build with cannot be solely built on the fulfillment of a checklist. Some men will put with a lack of fulfillment to be with the baddest chick (I know plenty of men who would, AND who do), but I'm the dumbass who can't bring himself to doing that. In a society where men are subconsciously measured by how hot your wife is, and where women measured by the financial success of their husband, it's always a struggle to find that right one if you strive for holistic fulfillment. And let's keep something in mind here, just because quality meets quality does not mean that they are meant for each other. I don't want to be that dude who ends up cheating on his "successful" and "hot" wife for "no reason at all." As one of my boys pointed out to me, men DO have a biological clock as well. We want to be in a position to be physically active so that we can play with our kids (especially if we have sons). Some brothas out there don't realize that and continue to play thinking they have all the time in the world. We fall off too, and need to recognize that. But................ that DOES NOT give you the excuse to settle in aim of fulfilling a checklist. You can be with a person who does the right things, and not be with the right person. Don't believe me, ask some of my homegirls who all but left their ex's at the altar, or some of boys who are divorced. CD can attest to this, but when you attend a HBCU for undergrad, such as Howard, Spelman, Morehouse, FAMU, etc., you get kinda spoiled because you are around so many ambitious and successful black (and sometimes latino and asian nowadays) men and women. You can go to homecoming and still see that half of your graduating class is still single. You see that and you think to yourself, "hell I have PLENTY of time left." But as you begin to see the wedding announcements fill up your facebook box of that one who was CGI back in undergrad, you realize more and more that time is running out for you. I could speak on this all day, but I'll stop there.
CocoaDiva
· 4 months ago
This is why I heart your Rich. We may disagee but when we agree we are so no point. Thank you for admitting men have biological clocks too and do have expiration dates. I get so tired of women being posed as the crazed expiration date fools who are destined to end up alone if we didn't hook em' early.
That wedding announcement list is getting real. It seems that 28+ is the age folks are walking around singing Jagged Edge songs and getting married. Don't sleep folks he/she is getting courted by someone else and time waits for no man/woman.
My point is this. Quality and actual comfort level and clicking with a person are priceless. I am not arrogant but I have never been hurting for male attention.....the difference is male attention where you truly vibe is hard to come by. I know the same is true for men as well, b.c. I hear yall bellyaching like women. Bottom line is if you vibe don't let it slip....the older we get the less often that train, male or female, comes along.
DVWJR
· 4 months ago
Sandy_D.....You seem pretty confident. Can you really always find another black man that's younger with more education, money, and a better body??? How are we defining "quality"?? If we are going to equate quality with education/credentials, then you might be sadly mistaken. I'm glad you are confident, but the statistics say otherwise. The U.S. Department of Education reports that only 34 percent of the black students who earn bachelor's degrees are male.....and the number get smaller as the degrees become mored advanced. I'm not saying YOU couldn't get a younger, more educated black guy with more money and a better body. I'm just saying the numbers are definitely more in our favor. BTW.....As black men get into their late twenties, most of them marry a younger woman....NOT an older one. Just because a person has credentials, money, nice body, etc. doesn't mean that he or she is the right person for you.
James needs to find the woman that is right for him. There is no need for him to get on a serious "wife-hunt" as you say. I'm not encouraging him or anyone to pick an unqualified candidate, but I don't think he should be rushing into anything if he is not ready.
You say your fiance is almost 30 and that you are 23. Sounds to me like your story is a prime example of what we are talking about. I bet he played the field all through his twenties and then he decided to settle down with a younger, educated, beautiful woman------>YOU!!!! I'm sure he has his degree(s) and his finances are in order. The exes will always call when they hear you have moved on. They don't want you but they don't want anyone else to have you either. I definitely feel you on that.....(desperation on a woman is never a good look either)
Unfortunately, in our society a man is measured by the beauty on his arm and a woman is measured by the $$$ her husband makes. I agree that a man should not pass on a woman just because he feels he has more time and/or justs wants to play the field. However, as a man, I know a man has to be a provider and I know that that requires him to be financially stable. I can understand waiting until you are financially ready to move forward. (That is if you have found the person with credentials that you connect with---THE RIGHT PERSON!) If she is the RIGHT ONE, she will understand that. The number one reason for divorce in America deals with MONEY and/or FINANCIAL ISSUES!!
I finished graduate school in 2007 and I am just getting my finances to a point where I feel comfortable. I'm 29 and I have a girlfriend. I feel she MIGHT be the one, but I won't move forward until I'm SURE. I hope she feels I'm the one, but, if she doesn't, I'll move forward to the better match God has in store for me. It's funny no one has mentioned God and His role in a relationship. In my opinion, if God is not the foundation of your life and of the relationship, it won't work anyway.....regardless of the statistics, money, education, or credentials.
mrcooley
· 4 months ago
This blog is so ironic; this article my current situation. I have a more than quality woman. However, I know that freshly graduating from law school coupled with being 26, a quality woman will not--- become an "endangered spiece." This notion is almost laughable. I'm choosing to hold out.
Many quality woman may remain resentful, even bitter at men that rejected them and continued to explore. The karma of this is not that the man will not find a quality woman, rather the quality black man may become immune from ever feeling he can love, or will have unreasonable expectations-- due to his inflated ego.
At the end of the day, a "real quality black man" makes up about 2% of the American population. Single quality women at all ages and races will always remain available to the chances of meeting this male. The "real quality black male" is a true endangered spiece. This must be evidenced to you every day if you are in a corporate setting.
Lastly, what James is experiencing is not what you have described. James has become immune to finding a woman that meets his unreasonable expectations. Women need to understand this is the realistic truth. I'm telling you this in 1.6 confidentiality, ladies. It is your choose to except this?!
CocoaDiva
· 4 months ago
I wonder how much age and maturity level has to do with this argument.
Mr. Cooley, your response is A-typical of exactly what I am talking about. You are fresh out of the grad-school box, and ready to slap women in the face with your degree...i.e. "Imma be paid b*&^h." Quality for everyone doesn't mean 6 figures or super degrees sir. I know so many of your kind.....fast forward 3-4 years, now these degree hustlers are looking around to settle down a lil bit, and your Superman gets knocked down just a lil.
I think if you are career minded your focus isn't on dating....thereby passing up good folks....I spoke to my father (who is recently single due to my mother's passing) he is 53 and he agrees....there isn't a whole lot of quality out there...just desperate and lonely....if you want someone near your age, you have to dig to find the real gems and they just don't fall off trees.
mrcooley
· 4 months ago
First, age and maturity are completely irrelevant to my stance. I only ask that you value my opinion for the information presented. On another note, my majority view in this case is often followed because--- in the end you still find a quality woman.
It is sad to say, but a majority of quality woman in our world today value money as a key element in a quality male. With money comes opportunity not only for your spouse, but potentially for your children. Your heart can feel whatever way it wants, but if you cant support those feeling with the neccessities money can provide, your feelings may fade.
Women will continue to associate a quality male with money. Therefore, I may not slap her in the face with my degree, but soon or a later, she will be thankful and appreciative to see it hanging on my wall.lol
I undertand your fathers position, but he is 53. I see his point. I'm confident though in the end things may still work out. However, I feel at the thiry to forty range there are plenty of gems still available.
My situation is all together different. I'm still at a position where my "superman" still attracts quality woman of all ages and races. Not to mention I have a degree.lol Woman at thirty are in a slightly different boat. Men are visual creatures. We tend to value a woman based on her presentation more. Due to this distincition, women are put at gross disadvantage.
Sorry but as truth- quality men will remain a rare commodity and play off of this in retaining quality woman at their disposal.
K.I.M.
· 4 months ago
You point out that quality women value money. I challenge that to say that I value a man who has an education and 'duh' the typical by product of education is more money. I don't expect him to be balling out of control, but most of us who went to college, worked hard and have a good job....have a respectable salary. Like if you went to med/law school and (notwithstanding school loans) you make more money than the dude who got a diploma and is working at Best Buy. I'm attracted to you not because of your money, but of your desire and ambition in going after an advanced degree in a challenging profession. And let's be real - the money is a pleasant by product of his success. Hell, let's go dutch on taking a fantastic vacation to Greek Isles!
I can only appreciate your argument if you're talking about the woman who won't date the guy who is a passionate teacher, but makes $50k/year vs the mediocre lawyer who makes $100k/yr.
REALMAN
· 4 months ago
You know, women want to rush the talented black man now because at the point where you could have seen the talent up close, they were chasing men with no talent at all. That is not our poor decision. Now they want to put time restrictions on our selection process. Some women don't know talent. The worst thing is a woman that is beautiful looking that acts stuck up and misses out on her talented man. I know many talented men, and that is one thing we have in common. "She thinks she is too much, and doesn't even know who she is talking to." But no, she always goes for the guy with the biggest illusion.
CocoaDiva
· 4 months ago
I will agree many women have too many lists and draft themeselves as first round....but I know several men who do the same thing. The overly ambitious self upgrade is killer and folks need to learn to stay in their own lanes.
" She thinks she is too much, and doesn't even know who she is talking to." How arrogant is that. Is it a competition on who is better? I should hope not. This is what I am talking about though. That sounds like something A Pimp Named Slickback would say. ie, woman know your place. The holier and better than thou routine gets old and is a little self absorbed.
So if women were chasing the talentless before( which I don't think all were )have the roles reversed and now its the mens' turn?
mrcooley
· 4 months ago
so i guess since i didnt recieve a response, you agree?
swiv
· 4 months ago
just because you think a man who has an overbearing ego is too much, doesn't mean that all or even most women who look good on paper will think the same way.
fact of the matter is that the numbers are the numbers. women are socialized torwards relationships, and men not so much. but there are more eligible women than men. so more women are looking for relationships than there are men, and thus men can wait around to wait until they're ready because the eligible pool is so wide the competition is so minimal. is it stupid for a man to pass up a "tight" woman? yea, if he's really feeling her and there's great chemistry. i've passed up plenty of "good" women just off the strength that i wasn't really feeling them like that. you can't force feelings. and you can't make someone ready. a man will get into a relationship when he wants to. not sooner, and not later. and chances are when he feels the need to get into it, there's going to more than an adequate of fish in the sea.
talentedblackwoman
· 4 months ago
I am happy you posted this b/c it is a very hot topic we don't address often enough. I do have to disagree with you on a lot of your points though, Cocoa Diva. I don't believe a TBM should get married before he is ready. I don't think anyone should. This issue is bigger than readiness. I think the bigger question is WHY SO MANY TALENTED BLACK MEN ARE NOT READY. Many black men don't have the emotional intelligence and maturity to contribute to a successful relationship. The other questions should be WHAT DOES IT TRULY MEAN TO BE READY FOR MARRIAGE? WHAT DOES A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE?
As a psychiatrist, I have much to say about the health of relationships amongst our community's 'talented tenth' but will leave that alone at the moment. I don't think anyone should get married before they are ready and know themselves well. If you go down the rocky path and compare us to white folks, many of them marry young and many get divorced; so let's not do that either.
We as black and men women SHOULD be spending time in our singleness, however long it may take, to resolve deep rooted issues that not only go back to childhood but to previous generations and even slavery. Think about how men and women's roles have drastically changed in recent generations due to the effects of unemployment of men and promotion of women in our community. Think about how many of us grew up in households with no or distant fathers that never taught how to give and receive love. Think about those of us who grew up in a home where a TBM was 'king' and probably got married too soon, having extraneous affairs for most of the marriage, leaving the family reeling in the after effects. Frankly, we are struggling with the after effects of many of our parents' and ancerstors' unaddressed issues. This is why our families are torn apart. Many TBM grew up in those households and are afraid to make the same mistakes. Many are crippled by the fear or subconsciously built up unrealistic expectations or standards that 'prevent' them from having yet another failed marriage. We have tons of issues that attack our relationships and families that way too many of us ignore.
Also, this is a pretty recent area of growth for me, but I no longer believe in expiration dates for women or men. We should get marry when it is right and not when we feel we 'should'. The notion of expiration dates is a set up and will line my pockets so to speak and leave you unhappy, so that should be checked at the door. Living your life according to 'shoulds' is a set up for unhappiness. Anyway, Cocoa, I think we should keep this going.
K.I.M.
· 4 months ago
The only expiration a woman may have...IF she values motherhood as a part of a fulfilling future...is her damn ovaries. Men act like this isn't a realistic stress point for women. First, please simply acknowledge this. I don't want to be the 40 year old giving birth to my first child. First, this puts me and the baby at increased risk. Second, when I should be gearing up for retirement, I've got to worry about college loans. Third, physically (and statistically) I will not have the same physical capacity in my 50s that I had in my 40s that I had in my 30s that I had...
The concept of 'should,' get married supports how religion has impacted the innate human desire to continue the human race: Raising a family when your most physically apt to do so. Stats typically show that raising children in a 2 parent home is optimal, and physically we are strongest between 20-50.
But I appreciate your points that the black community is ill equipped to raise a family because we're so emotionally handicapped. And I also applaud you for encouraging black men to identify and then work out their issues. However, most TBM are too busy chasing paper/ass to really sit down and intuitively evaluate why they are incapable of love.
robdog14
· 4 months ago
Cute, some truth, but it should be entitled 'Talented Black People Syndrome. I know of far more Black Women, who believe THEY have all the time in the world, for Career, Relationship and family. The they look up and They are the old 35 year old chick , in the Club. Women have a much shorter "Still Fine" expiration date, particularly if they haven't seen the inside of a gym, in over a decade. I also know more women, with a laundry list of "Gotta Have's" when selecting a potential mate. The older and more successful the woman, the longer and more unrealistic the List. Reality is, an old fat dude with money, can always fine a young honey. Been that way since the beginning of time. On the other hand, an old fat woman with money.....well, while Cougar's are popular, they ain't that popular. Your options are extremely limited; either young boys who are also using you for your 'ends' . Or you can hang with younger chicks, hoping for some of their leftovers, maybe get a crew of other old chicks, but your the cutest of the pack.
LB
· 4 months ago
Unfortunately I have to agree with Robdog. It's that age old double standard. Older women are quickly cast away by society, while Men can easily pull younger women. This is a phenomenon transcends races.
talentedblackwoman
· 4 months ago
As much as I don't want to, I have to agree that age is much kinder to men than women. An older man with a few extra pounds and salt&pepper hair is regarded as distinguished and handsome. Men, especially TBM, have it much easier in this regard. A woman who fits the same bill is often not regarded at all. I think too many African American women take this for granted. Too many AA women are busy hitting up malls, hair salons, and nail shops when they need to be hitting the gym or pavement. Too many women keep allowing the steady trickle of a pound here or there add up; and before you know it, they look an unfortunate mess. Let's not get on the public health implications! Just b/c designers may make cute clothes in large sizes doesn't mean that being big is acceptable. I see so many TBW attempt to eat and shop their emptiness away when they should be using better coping mechanisms to fill any voids that may exist. If a TBW is in her 30s, she needs to be on point in every area of her life, or else! It should be about holistic health. The vanity that comes with being at your best is extra icing on the cake.
I hold very high standards in every aspect of my life and health (spiritual, physical, mental, financial, social, etc); am 32, and am the same size 6/8 from college. I have no shortage of attention or dates from guys of any age. Oh, and I am not completely, naturally thin. I work for it. I don't order desserts when my other girls do at dinner. I also limit alcohol intake and fatty foods and I work out. My beauty and health come from living a disciplined and focused life, and I thank God for the strength to and grace to do so. TBW can't afford to slip in any way, especially if they want a TBM. Let's be real and let's get smart and let's get/stay healthy!
K.I.M.
· 4 months ago
We are similar (educated, fit, pretty darn awesome all around). Although, I think at times that the TBW thinks that her shit doesn't stink and is in search of the same unrealistic expectations that the TBM has or she doesn't have patience. Dude doesn't call at time he said he would once (or something trivial like that) and she's ready to walk.
Andrea_Victoria
· 4 months ago
Here's the thing: None of us are ready till we're ready and then we've got to find love where we find it. All this business about catching a man, a woman, with certain qualities, characteristics, etc, is a bunch of posturing and crap because you'll only catch as good as your bait. So, if you can give paper, you'll get what paper buys. If you have body, you'll get what body attracts. But if you can give your heart, you'll get the much pickier shopper who will give you his or her heart in return. No matter how you look on paper, you will reap what you sow and not a minute sooner.
So, my advice to you, whether you are young, beautiful and ballin', male or female, or staring hard at whatever expiration date you think applies to you, is this: look into your heart (not your head, wallet or mirror) and judge for yourself what you offer and what you want. The rest is crap.
oakdaledee
· 3 months ago
If women woudnt make themselves so easy, a man wouldnt have such a hard time trying to figure out what to do.
All Comments
Lol girl, you are so right....we were in out at the club this weekend and the old man section is pitiful. Yes, men. We do laugh at you and yes you are out of style. High five CD.
"You won't stay that cool dude forever, and yes she will stick you for your paper." ahahaha! But seriously men, why pass up quality candidates? Life is rough alone, and there aren't many people we gel with naturally. Why would you pass up someone you vibe with???? That doesn't happen often and it happens less and less as we age. Help a sista understand.
I have said this many times as well. African Americans seem to be one of the few races that feel the need to climb the monetary or societal ladder alone. Many other cultures are content to build together. From my conversations with many men and my good dude information bank many of you feel you must build first and then settle down. What is wrong with doing both at once? Rome wasn't built in a day and I am sure it wasn't built by Ceasar, Anthony, and Octavius alone. The women were right there playing their parts.
No one has infinite possibilites. Sounds pretty arrogant to me.
So why is it that the TBM feels he can return and come hollerin at the "one that got away" when he is ready or his Rubix cube is solved? Was she supposed to wait until then and then jump on b.c. according to your above standard she got old and dusty and had no options.....
Pretty messed up.
My fiance is almost 30, he knew he had to scoop me up with the quickness because if he didnt someone else was going to real soon. I’m 23, college-educated, feminine, marriage/family-oriented and take care of myself, I know my worth lol I’m not impressed by the average “talented” black man, I have one hunting me down at every corner. Wanna get me, you are gonna have to put in some serious work! Your friend James needs to be proactive & get on his serious wife-hunt, the good women are going fast. We can always find another black man thats younger than he is, has more education, money and a better body (not saying his isnt, but it’s the principle lol)
It’s funny, ever since I got engaged, I’ve received so many sad, self-loathing phone calls from exes & previous potentials begging me to give them another shot. **sigh** desperation on a man is never a good look…..
I'm not sure if my first comment went throught, i apologize if i posted twice lol
As one of my boys pointed out to me, men DO have a biological clock as well. We want to be in a position to be physically active so that we can play with our kids (especially if we have sons). Some brothas out there don't realize that and continue to play thinking they have all the time in the world. We fall off too, and need to recognize that.
But................ that DOES NOT give you the excuse to settle in aim of fulfilling a checklist. You can be with a person who does the right things, and not be with the right person. Don't believe me, ask some of my homegirls who all but left their ex's at the altar, or some of boys who are divorced.
CD can attest to this, but when you attend a HBCU for undergrad, such as Howard, Spelman, Morehouse, FAMU, etc., you get kinda spoiled because you are around so many ambitious and successful black (and sometimes latino and asian nowadays) men and women. You can go to homecoming and still see that half of your graduating class is still single. You see that and you think to yourself, "hell I have PLENTY of time left." But as you begin to see the wedding announcements fill up your facebook box of that one who was CGI back in undergrad, you realize more and more that time is running out for you.
I could speak on this all day, but I'll stop there.
That wedding announcement list is getting real. It seems that 28+ is the age folks are walking around singing Jagged Edge songs and getting married. Don't sleep folks he/she is getting courted by someone else and time waits for no man/woman.
My point is this. Quality and actual comfort level and clicking with a person are priceless. I am not arrogant but I have never been hurting for male attention.....the difference is male attention where you truly vibe is hard to come by. I know the same is true for men as well, b.c. I hear yall bellyaching like women. Bottom line is if you vibe don't let it slip....the older we get the less often that train, male or female, comes along.
James needs to find the woman that is right for him. There is no need for him to get on a serious "wife-hunt" as you say. I'm not encouraging him or anyone to pick an unqualified candidate, but I don't think he should be rushing into anything if he is not ready.
You say your fiance is almost 30 and that you are 23. Sounds to me like your story is a prime example of what we are talking about. I bet he played the field all through his twenties and then he decided to settle down with a younger, educated, beautiful woman------>YOU!!!! I'm sure he has his degree(s) and his finances are in order. The exes will always call when they hear you have moved on. They don't want you but they don't want anyone else to have you either. I definitely feel you on that.....(desperation on a woman is never a good look either)
Unfortunately, in our society a man is measured by the beauty on his arm and a woman is measured by the $$$ her husband makes. I agree that a man should not pass on a woman just because he feels he has more time and/or justs wants to play the field. However, as a man, I know a man has to be a provider and I know that that requires him to be financially stable. I can understand waiting until you are financially ready to move forward. (That is if you have found the person with credentials that you connect with---THE RIGHT PERSON!) If she is the RIGHT ONE, she will understand that. The number one reason for divorce in America deals with MONEY and/or FINANCIAL ISSUES!!
I finished graduate school in 2007 and I am just getting my finances to a point where I feel comfortable. I'm 29 and I have a girlfriend. I feel she MIGHT be the one, but I won't move forward until I'm SURE. I hope she feels I'm the one, but, if she doesn't, I'll move forward to the better match God has in store for me. It's funny no one has mentioned God and His role in a relationship. In my opinion, if God is not the foundation of your life and of the relationship, it won't work anyway.....regardless of the statistics, money, education, or credentials.
Many quality woman may remain resentful, even bitter at men that rejected them and continued to explore. The karma of this is not that the man will not find a quality woman, rather the quality black man may become immune from ever feeling he can love, or will have unreasonable expectations-- due to his inflated ego.
At the end of the day, a "real quality black man" makes up about 2% of the American population. Single quality women at all ages and races will always remain available to the chances of meeting this male. The "real quality black male" is a true endangered spiece. This must be evidenced to you every day if you are in a corporate setting.
Lastly, what James is experiencing is not what you have described. James has become immune to finding a woman that meets his unreasonable expectations. Women need to understand this is the realistic truth. I'm telling you this in 1.6 confidentiality, ladies. It is your choose to except this?!
Mr. Cooley, your response is A-typical of exactly what I am talking about. You are fresh out of the grad-school box, and ready to slap women in the face with your degree...i.e. "Imma be paid b*&^h." Quality for everyone doesn't mean 6 figures or super degrees sir. I know so many of your kind.....fast forward 3-4 years, now these degree hustlers are looking around to settle down a lil bit, and your Superman gets knocked down just a lil.
I think if you are career minded your focus isn't on dating....thereby passing up good folks....I spoke to my father (who is recently single due to my mother's passing) he is 53 and he agrees....there isn't a whole lot of quality out there...just desperate and lonely....if you want someone near your age, you have to dig to find the real gems and they just don't fall off trees.
It is sad to say, but a majority of quality woman in our world today value money as a key element in a quality male. With money comes opportunity not only for your spouse, but potentially for your children. Your heart can feel whatever way it wants, but if you cant support those feeling with the neccessities money can provide, your feelings may fade.
Women will continue to associate a quality male with money. Therefore, I may not slap her in the face with my degree, but soon or a later, she will be thankful and appreciative to see it hanging on my wall.lol
I undertand your fathers position, but he is 53. I see his point. I'm confident though in the end things may still work out. However, I feel at the thiry to forty range there are plenty of gems still available.
My situation is all together different. I'm still at a position where my "superman" still attracts quality woman of all ages and races. Not to mention I have a degree.lol Woman at thirty are in a slightly different boat. Men are visual creatures. We tend to value a woman based on her presentation more. Due to this distincition, women are put at gross disadvantage.
Sorry but as truth- quality men will remain a rare commodity and play off of this in retaining quality woman at their disposal.
I can only appreciate your argument if you're talking about the woman who won't date the guy who is a passionate teacher, but makes $50k/year vs the mediocre lawyer who makes $100k/yr.
" She thinks she is too much, and doesn't even know who she is talking to." How arrogant is that. Is it a competition on who is better? I should hope not. This is what I am talking about though. That sounds like something A Pimp Named Slickback would say. ie, woman know your place. The holier and better than thou routine gets old and is a little self absorbed.
So if women were chasing the talentless before( which I don't think all were )have the roles reversed and now its the mens' turn?
fact of the matter is that the numbers are the numbers. women are socialized torwards relationships, and men not so much. but there are more eligible women than men. so more women are looking for relationships than there are men, and thus men can wait around to wait until they're ready because the eligible pool is so wide the competition is so minimal. is it stupid for a man to pass up a "tight" woman? yea, if he's really feeling her and there's great chemistry. i've passed up plenty of "good" women just off the strength that i wasn't really feeling them like that. you can't force feelings. and you can't make someone ready. a man will get into a relationship when he wants to. not sooner, and not later. and chances are when he feels the need to get into it, there's going to more than an adequate of fish in the sea.
As a psychiatrist, I have much to say about the health of relationships amongst our community's 'talented tenth' but will leave that alone at the moment. I don't think anyone should get married before they are ready and know themselves well. If you go down the rocky path and compare us to white folks, many of them marry young and many get divorced; so let's not do that either.
We as black and men women SHOULD be spending time in our singleness, however long it may take, to resolve deep rooted issues that not only go back to childhood but to previous generations and even slavery. Think about how men and women's roles have drastically changed in recent generations due to the effects of unemployment of men and promotion of women in our community. Think about how many of us grew up in households with no or distant fathers that never taught how to give and receive love. Think about those of us who grew up in a home where a TBM was 'king' and probably got married too soon, having extraneous affairs for most of the marriage, leaving the family reeling in the after effects. Frankly, we are struggling with the after effects of many of our parents' and ancerstors' unaddressed issues. This is why our families are torn apart. Many TBM grew up in those households and are afraid to make the same mistakes. Many are crippled by the fear or subconsciously built up unrealistic expectations or standards that 'prevent' them from having yet another failed marriage. We have tons of issues that attack our relationships and families that way too many of us ignore.
Also, this is a pretty recent area of growth for me, but I no longer believe in expiration dates for women or men. We should get marry when it is right and not when we feel we 'should'. The notion of expiration dates is a set up and will line my pockets so to speak and leave you unhappy, so that should be checked at the door. Living your life according to 'shoulds' is a set up for unhappiness. Anyway, Cocoa, I think we should keep this going.
The concept of 'should,' get married supports how religion has impacted the innate human desire to continue the human race: Raising a family when your most physically apt to do so. Stats typically show that raising children in a 2 parent home is optimal, and physically we are strongest between 20-50.
But I appreciate your points that the black community is ill equipped to raise a family because we're so emotionally handicapped. And I also applaud you for encouraging black men to identify and then work out their issues. However, most TBM are too busy chasing paper/ass to really sit down and intuitively evaluate why they are incapable of love.
Reality is, an old fat dude with money, can always fine a young honey. Been that way since the beginning of time. On the other hand, an old fat woman with money.....well, while Cougar's are popular, they ain't that popular. Your options are extremely limited; either young boys who are also using you for your 'ends' . Or you can hang with younger chicks, hoping for some of their leftovers, maybe get a crew of other old chicks, but your the cutest of the pack.
I hold very high standards in every aspect of my life and health (spiritual, physical, mental, financial, social, etc); am 32, and am the same size 6/8 from college. I have no shortage of attention or dates from guys of any age. Oh, and I am not completely, naturally thin. I work for it. I don't order desserts when my other girls do at dinner. I also limit alcohol intake and fatty foods and I work out. My beauty and health come from living a disciplined and focused life, and I thank God for the strength to and grace to do so. TBW can't afford to slip in any way, especially if they want a TBM. Let's be real and let's get smart and let's get/stay healthy!
So, my advice to you, whether you are young, beautiful and ballin', male or female, or staring hard at whatever expiration date you think applies to you, is this: look into your heart (not your head, wallet or mirror) and judge for yourself what you offer and what you want. The rest is crap.