The P.O.S.H. Life - Latest Comments in Talented Black Man Syndrome

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

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Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

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Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

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Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

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Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

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Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

oakdaledee — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 07:16:01 -0000

If women woudnt make themselves so easy, a man wouldnt have such a hard time trying to figure out what to do.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

Andrea_Victoria — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:49:31 -0000

Here's the thing: None of us are ready till we're ready and then we've got to find love where we find it. All this business about catching a man, a woman, with certain qualities, characteristics, etc, is a bunch of posturing and crap because you'll only catch as good as your bait. So, if you can give paper, you'll get what paper buys. If you have body, you'll get what body attracts. But if you can give your heart, you'll get the much pickier shopper who will give you his or her heart in return. No matter how you look on paper, you will reap what you sow and not a minute sooner.

So, my advice to you, whether you are young, beautiful and ballin', male or female, or staring hard at whatever expiration date you think applies to you, is this: look into your heart (not your head, wallet or mirror) and judge for yourself what you offer and what you want. The rest is crap.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

Brandon St. Randy — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:25:18 -0000

Cry me a river, cocoa. Yes, that age is when women have the most options. Tell me what is untrue or offensive about that comment. I'll wait. I didn't say she was garbage post 25, that's you trying to put words in my mouth because you're emotionally invested. After that, however, men in her age group will get married, have kids, or do other shit that throws them out of the dating pool. That's just life. As far as the one that got away, she'll have options too if she's a quality woman. Those options are just fewer than they were for her in college. Tell me I'm wrong.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

Brandon St. Randy — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:21:09 -0000

I never said "expiring." I made a realistic assessment of what happens. If you don't like it, I'm sorry, but show me statistically where I'm wrong. I'm not arguing that women give up hope at all because they didn't marry at that age. That's just when they're at their peak. Just like we're at our peak in our late 20's/early 30's. As far as lack of quality, narcissism, etc, I'm just telling a truth, and you're throwing stones. I'll live.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

K.I.M. — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 00:32:29 -0000

We are similar (educated, fit, pretty darn awesome all around). Although, I think at times that the TBW thinks that her shit doesn't stink and is in search of the same unrealistic expectations that the TBM has or she doesn't have patience. Dude doesn't call at time he said he would once (or something trivial like that) and she's ready to walk.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

K.I.M. — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 00:23:53 -0000

The only expiration a woman may have...IF she values motherhood as a part of a fulfilling future...is her damn ovaries. Men act like this isn't a realistic stress point for women. First, please simply acknowledge this. I don't want to be the 40 year old giving birth to my first child. First, this puts me and the baby at increased risk. Second, when I should be gearing up for retirement, I've got to worry about college loans. Third, physically (and statistically) I will not have the same physical capacity in my 50s that I had in my 40s that I had in my 30s that I had...

The concept of 'should,' get married supports how religion has impacted the innate human desire to continue the human race: Raising a family when your most physically apt to do so. Stats typically show that raising children in a 2 parent home is optimal, and physically we are strongest between 20-50.

But I appreciate your points that the black community is ill equipped to raise a family because we're so emotionally handicapped. And I also applaud you for encouraging black men to identify and then work out their issues. However, most TBM are too busy chasing paper/ass to really sit down and intuitively evaluate why they are incapable of love.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

K.I.M. — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 00:05:31 -0000

You point out that quality women value money. I challenge that to say that I value a man who has an education and 'duh' the typical by product of education is more money. I don't expect him to be balling out of control, but most of us who went to college, worked hard and have a good job....have a respectable salary. Like if you went to med/law school and (notwithstanding school loans) you make more money than the dude who got a diploma and is working at Best Buy. I'm attracted to you not because of your money, but of your desire and ambition in going after an advanced degree in a challenging profession. And let's be real - the money is a pleasant by product of his success. Hell, let's go dutch on taking a fantastic vacation to Greek Isles!

I can only appreciate your argument if you're talking about the woman who won't date the guy who is a passionate teacher, but makes $50k/year vs the mediocre lawyer who makes $100k/yr.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

talentedblackwoman — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 18:50:28 -0000

As much as I don't want to, I have to agree that age is much kinder to men than women. An older man with a few extra pounds and salt&pepper hair is regarded as distinguished and handsome. Men, especially TBM, have it much easier in this regard. A woman who fits the same bill is often not regarded at all. I think too many African American women take this for granted. Too many AA women are busy hitting up malls, hair salons, and nail shops when they need to be hitting the gym or pavement. Too many women keep allowing the steady trickle of a pound here or there add up; and before you know it, they look an unfortunate mess. Let's not get on the public health implications! Just b/c designers may make cute clothes in large sizes doesn't mean that being big is acceptable. I see so many TBW attempt to eat and shop their emptiness away when they should be using better coping mechanisms to fill any voids that may exist. If a TBW is in her 30s, she needs to be on point in every area of her life, or else! It should be about holistic health. The vanity that comes with being at your best is extra icing on the cake.

I hold very high standards in every aspect of my life and health (spiritual, physical, mental, financial, social, etc); am 32, and am the same size 6/8 from college. I have no shortage of attention or dates from guys of any age. Oh, and I am not completely, naturally thin. I work for it. I don't order desserts when my other girls do at dinner. I also limit alcohol intake and fatty foods and I work out. My beauty and health come from living a disciplined and focused life, and I thank God for the strength to and grace to do so. TBW can't afford to slip in any way, especially if they want a TBM. Let's be real and let's get smart and let's get/stay healthy!

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

LB — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 15:23:12 -0000

Unfortunately I have to agree with Robdog. It's that age old double standard. Older women are quickly cast away by society, while Men can easily pull younger women. This is a phenomenon transcends races.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

robdog14 — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:03:13 -0000

Cute, some truth, but it should be entitled 'Talented Black People Syndrome. I know of far more Black Women, who believe THEY have all the time in the world, for Career, Relationship and family. The they look up and They are the old 35 year old chick , in the Club. Women have a much shorter "Still Fine" expiration date, particularly if they haven't seen the inside of a gym, in over a decade. I also know more women, with a laundry list of "Gotta Have's" when selecting a potential mate. The older and more successful the woman, the longer and more unrealistic the List.
Reality is, an old fat dude with money, can always fine a young honey. Been that way since the beginning of time. On the other hand, an old fat woman with money.....well, while Cougar's are popular, they ain't that popular. Your options are extremely limited; either young boys who are also using you for your 'ends' . Or you can hang with younger chicks, hoping for some of their leftovers, maybe get a crew of other old chicks, but your the cutest of the pack.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

swiv — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 13:05:19 -0000

just because you think a man who has an overbearing ego is too much, doesn't mean that all or even most women who look good on paper will think the same way.

fact of the matter is that the numbers are the numbers. women are socialized torwards relationships, and men not so much. but there are more eligible women than men. so more women are looking for relationships than there are men, and thus men can wait around to wait until they're ready because the eligible pool is so wide the competition is so minimal. is it stupid for a man to pass up a "tight" woman? yea, if he's really feeling her and there's great chemistry. i've passed up plenty of "good" women just off the strength that i wasn't really feeling them like that. you can't force feelings. and you can't make someone ready. a man will get into a relationship when he wants to. not sooner, and not later. and chances are when he feels the need to get into it, there's going to more than an adequate of fish in the sea.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

DVWJR — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 23:31:38 -0000

Sandy_D.....You seem pretty confident. Can you really always find another black man that's younger with more education, money, and a better body??? How are we defining "quality"?? If we are going to equate quality with education/credentials, then you might be sadly mistaken. I'm glad you are confident, but the statistics say otherwise. The U.S. Department of Education reports that only 34 percent of the black students who earn bachelor's degrees are male.....and the number get smaller as the degrees become mored advanced. I'm not saying YOU couldn't get a younger, more educated black guy with more money and a better body. I'm just saying the numbers are definitely more in our favor. BTW.....As black men get into their late twenties, most of them marry a younger woman....NOT an older one. Just because a person has credentials, money, nice body, etc. doesn't mean that he or she is the right person for you.

James needs to find the woman that is right for him. There is no need for him to get on a serious "wife-hunt" as you say. I'm not encouraging him or anyone to pick an unqualified candidate, but I don't think he should be rushing into anything if he is not ready.

You say your fiance is almost 30 and that you are 23. Sounds to me like your story is a prime example of what we are talking about. I bet he played the field all through his twenties and then he decided to settle down with a younger, educated, beautiful woman------>YOU!!!! I'm sure he has his degree(s) and his finances are in order. The exes will always call when they hear you have moved on. They don't want you but they don't want anyone else to have you either. I definitely feel you on that.....(desperation on a woman is never a good look either)

Unfortunately, in our society a man is measured by the beauty on his arm and a woman is measured by the $$$ her husband makes. I agree that a man should not pass on a woman just because he feels he has more time and/or justs wants to play the field. However, as a man, I know a man has to be a provider and I know that that requires him to be financially stable. I can understand waiting until you are financially ready to move forward. (That is if you have found the person with credentials that you connect with---THE RIGHT PERSON!) If she is the RIGHT ONE, she will understand that. The number one reason for divorce in America deals with MONEY and/or FINANCIAL ISSUES!!

I finished graduate school in 2007 and I am just getting my finances to a point where I feel comfortable. I'm 29 and I have a girlfriend. I feel she MIGHT be the one, but I won't move forward until I'm SURE. I hope she feels I'm the one, but, if she doesn't, I'll move forward to the better match God has in store for me. It's funny no one has mentioned God and His role in a relationship. In my opinion, if God is not the foundation of your life and of the relationship, it won't work anyway.....regardless of the statistics, money, education, or credentials.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

talentedblackwoman — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 18:50:16 -0000

Um St. Randy, I agree that a man should get married when he is ready and not a moment sooner; however, your comments about women expiring and their 'chances going down' are insensitive, misguided, and frankly show a lack of quaility and crippling narcissism that affects so many men in our community. Hopefully you were just being "cute". If not, get help! No offense....

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

talentedblackwoman — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 18:42:07 -0000

I am happy you posted this b/c it is a very hot topic we don't address often enough. I do have to disagree with you on a lot of your points though, Cocoa Diva. I don't believe a TBM should get married before he is ready. I don't think anyone should. This issue is bigger than readiness. I think the bigger question is WHY SO MANY TALENTED BLACK MEN ARE NOT READY. Many black men don't have the emotional intelligence and maturity to contribute to a successful relationship. The other questions should be WHAT DOES IT TRULY MEAN TO BE READY FOR MARRIAGE? WHAT DOES A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE?

As a psychiatrist, I have much to say about the health of relationships amongst our community's 'talented tenth' but will leave that alone at the moment. I don't think anyone should get married before they are ready and know themselves well. If you go down the rocky path and compare us to white folks, many of them marry young and many get divorced; so let's not do that either.

We as black and men women SHOULD be spending time in our singleness, however long it may take, to resolve deep rooted issues that not only go back to childhood but to previous generations and even slavery. Think about how men and women's roles have drastically changed in recent generations due to the effects of unemployment of men and promotion of women in our community. Think about how many of us grew up in households with no or distant fathers that never taught how to give and receive love. Think about those of us who grew up in a home where a TBM was 'king' and probably got married too soon, having extraneous affairs for most of the marriage, leaving the family reeling in the after effects. Frankly, we are struggling with the after effects of many of our parents' and ancerstors' unaddressed issues. This is why our families are torn apart. Many TBM grew up in those households and are afraid to make the same mistakes. Many are crippled by the fear or subconsciously built up unrealistic expectations or standards that 'prevent' them from having yet another failed marriage. We have tons of issues that attack our relationships and families that way too many of us ignore.

Also, this is a pretty recent area of growth for me, but I no longer believe in expiration dates for women or men. We should get marry when it is right and not when we feel we 'should'. The notion of expiration dates is a set up and will line my pockets so to speak and leave you unhappy, so that should be checked at the door. Living your life according to 'shoulds' is a set up for unhappiness. Anyway, Cocoa, I think we should keep this going.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

mrcooley — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:49:12 -0000

so i guess since i didnt recieve a response, you agree?

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

CocoaDiva — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:36:05 -0000

I will agree many women have too many lists and draft themeselves as first round....but I know several men who do the same thing. The overly ambitious self upgrade is killer and folks need to learn to stay in their own lanes.

" She thinks she is too much, and doesn't even know who she is talking to." How arrogant is that. Is it a competition on who is better? I should hope not. This is what I am talking about though. That sounds like something A Pimp Named Slickback would say. ie, woman know your place. The holier and better than thou routine gets old and is a little self absorbed.

So if women were chasing the talentless before( which I don't think all were )have the roles reversed and now its the mens' turn?

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

REALMAN — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:07:07 -0000

You know, women want to rush the talented black man now because at the point where you could have seen the talent up close, they were chasing men with no talent at all. That is not our poor decision. Now they want to put time restrictions on our selection process. Some women don't know talent. The worst thing is a woman that is beautiful looking that acts stuck up and misses out on her talented man. I know many talented men, and that is one thing we have in common. "She thinks she is too much, and doesn't even know who she is talking to." But no, she always goes for the guy with the biggest illusion.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

mrcooley — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 17:06:10 -0000

First, age and maturity are completely irrelevant to my stance. I only ask that you value my opinion for the information presented. On another note, my majority view in this case is often followed because--- in the end you still find a quality woman.

It is sad to say, but a majority of quality woman in our world today value money as a key element in a quality male. With money comes opportunity not only for your spouse, but potentially for your children. Your heart can feel whatever way it wants, but if you cant support those feeling with the neccessities money can provide, your feelings may fade.

Women will continue to associate a quality male with money. Therefore, I may not slap her in the face with my degree, but soon or a later, she will be thankful and appreciative to see it hanging on my wall.lol

I undertand your fathers position, but he is 53. I see his point. I'm confident though in the end things may still work out. However, I feel at the thiry to forty range there are plenty of gems still available.

My situation is all together different. I'm still at a position where my "superman" still attracts quality woman of all ages and races. Not to mention I have a degree.lol Woman at thirty are in a slightly different boat. Men are visual creatures. We tend to value a woman based on her presentation more. Due to this distincition, women are put at gross disadvantage.

Sorry but as truth- quality men will remain a rare commodity and play off of this in retaining quality woman at their disposal.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

CocoaDiva — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 15:18:18 -0000

I wonder how much age and maturity level has to do with this argument.

Mr. Cooley, your response is A-typical of exactly what I am talking about. You are fresh out of the grad-school box, and ready to slap women in the face with your degree...i.e. "Imma be paid b*&^h." Quality for everyone doesn't mean 6 figures or super degrees sir. I know so many of your kind.....fast forward 3-4 years, now these degree hustlers are looking around to settle down a lil bit, and your Superman gets knocked down just a lil.

I think if you are career minded your focus isn't on dating....thereby passing up good folks....I spoke to my father (who is recently single due to my mother's passing) he is 53 and he agrees....there isn't a whole lot of quality out there...just desperate and lonely....if you want someone near your age, you have to dig to find the real gems and they just don't fall off trees.

Re: Talented Black Man Syndrome

mrcooley — Mon, 03 Aug 2009 14:43:50 -0000

This blog is so ironic; this article my current situation. I have a more than quality woman. However, I know that freshly graduating from law school coupled with being 26, a quality woman will not--- become an "endangered spiece." This notion is almost laughable. I'm choosing to hold out.

Many quality woman may remain resentful, even bitter at men that rejected them and continued to explore. The karma of this is not that the man will not find a quality woman, rather the quality black man may become immune from ever feeling he can love, or will have unreasonable expectations-- due to his inflated ego.

At the end of the day, a "real quality black man" makes up about 2% of the American population. Single quality women at all ages and races will always remain available to the chances of meeting this male. The "real quality black male" is a true endangered spiece. This must be evidenced to you every day if you are in a corporate setting.

Lastly, what James is experiencing is not what you have described. James has become immune to finding a woman that meets his unreasonable expectations. Women need to understand this is the realistic truth. I'm telling you this in 1.6 confidentiality, ladies. It is your choose to except this?!